As silly as that demand sounds, it is no less silly than many of the other ways we adults seek to motivate our young. As we call, coax, threaten and throw complaints at our kids, we are doing serious damage to the very respect we want our kids to use with us.

So, how DO you motivate children to get the job done and still retain that fragile relationship we call "respect?"

In our seminars, we teach dozens of motivational tools, but here are a few examples:

• The 3-Question Quiz - "What did I say?", "What does that mean?" and "What are you going to do?" This series of questions - and their repeated answers - will help your child to internally process your request. In the end, your child's motivation becomes his own, not just yours.
• "Yes!" - Instead of saying, "No way!" or, "...not until you clean up your room!" say, "Yes!" with an appropriate condition like, "Sure, as soon as your room is clean." In that way, you have turned a potential contest into a positive motivation without generating or using a negative response.
• The Perfect Choice - When your child resists your request (or directive), present two choices that both get the job done. For example, when your child is refusing to put his shoes on, ask him, "Would you like for me to help you, or would you like to do it yourself?" In this way, the child makes a valid choice, but ends up doing the primary task without resistance.

Do you see how these approaches nurture your child's "respect quotient?" In reality, it's a two-sided growth process. The child respects you for treating him like a real human and for helping him work through his (or her) conflicts.

To sum up this series, here are the areas of respect we have covered:

• Modeling: Demonstrating respect in the way we talk to and treat other people, especially children.
• Using Standards: Setting and sticking to the guidelines we ask our children to follow.
• Responding: How adult responses to life's challenging circumstances teach respect.or disrespect.
• Motivating: Using tools that motivate children do "the right thing" without the disrespectful use of pain or shame.