Courtesy beyond rights
"I had it first!"
What a sound! A call of passion, competition, justice, possessiveness. Relax. Your child is normal! But, you ask, "What about the selfishness behind those words?"
You're right. You intervene and you unconsciously encourage selfishness. You ignore that cry and your child feels neglected, or could get hurt.
Look. Children are inherently egocentric. They need to be that way just to survive. However, your responses to "I had it first" either strengthen that trait or help children find a higher road.
Here's a plan that will point your child upward. We use it almost every day with great success. We hope you will too.
First, you ask, "Oh, is this about first or is it about courtesy?" (If your child hasn't learned the word "courtesy", just explain that it means letting someone else go first.)
You listen carefully to whatever answer comes, but then you say, "I know you both want this toy (or whatever), but who will be the first to use courtesy?" Once children get the hang of the idea, they buy into it with amazing sincerity and patience. It's almost as if they actually wanted to be freed from the web of possessiveness, but needed someone to help.
So, who usually volunteers? Surprisingly, it's often the person who had the toy first. But now your child is experiencing the pleasure of giving - an opportunity that is totally lost when you put the accent on who actually had it first.
Sometimes, one of the children will volunteer the other person, but you don't want to go there!
If no one volunteers, you gently place the toy in a neutral location (or quietly stop the activity) until the children work out who will be first to use courtesy. Now comes the fun part. Whoever volunteers, you shower with compliments. You include anyone watching (it could even be the dog or a teddy bear). Ask, "Did you hear that? Jamie is going to be first to use courtesy. Isn't that great?"
So, what is happening here?
You encourage giving in the place of grasping (for their "rights").
You strengthen the disciplines of patience and orderly relationships.
You place priority on one of the most important graces of life - courtesy.
Have a great summer on the "high road".
