It makes you crazy, doesn't it, when the kids keep doing things you've asked them to stop? And the louder you talk, the worse it gets. Once again, no respect.
On the other hand, your spouse is on your case about cleaning the garage, or what about the cleaners who just ruined your best slacks? Pretty soon you feel that if someone messes up one more time or makes one more demand of you, you'll explode. And sometimes you do.
- So, what does respect have to do with these stress producers…and a thousand more? Simply this. Your kids are neither blind nor stupid. They may not see your stresses as clearly as you do, but they do see how you react to those situations.
- Whether the stress is with your children or between yourself and some other child or adult, the way you respond to those situations has a huge influence on how much your children respect you.
- Whether you go off on your child for some thoughtless comment or ream out a store clerk for a stupid mistake, you are undercutting the very respect you want from your family.
- On the other hand, addressing challenging situations in a quiet, respectful way, automatically collects respect from your children.
You don't even have to talk to the kids about respect. It just happens. They see you treating others with respect in stressful situations and sooner or later they will imitate you, just as they do when it's the other way around.
Now, we're not suggesting that you give up strong feelings or the confronting of wrong when it needs addressing. Rather, the issue here is the way you take care of those issues.
Loud, confrontational styles defeat respect, while quiet, restrained styles attract respect.
I realize that using restraint in the face of stress runs against the grain of our culture. Whether it's "fighting fire with fire" or "blowing off steam," our examples - especially our entertainment - constantly teach us to meet problems with violence and volume.
But respect generated that way is built on fear, rather than confidence in doing what's best in the long run.
We agree, you need to be respected, but respect that is forced is worth very little. Respect that is earned is worth everything. And the way you earn it is largely through respectful responses to life's challenges.