"Daddy, look! My kite is flying!"
What an exciting moment. Launching that first kite. To a child it's magic. He doesn't think about wind direction or air lift, restraints, counterweights or string strength. All he knows is that what was a lifeless collection of fragile parts on the ground, is now alive and waving in the air.
Respect is like that too. We love respect, but we seldom stop to consider the elements that make that fragile kite fly.
A critical part of the respect formula is setting and using standards. They are the anchors that allow the kite to fly - how to ask for something, how to interrupt, when to go to bed, where trash goes, who picks up food thrown on the floor.
The confusing thing is that you, not your child, control how much respect you get. Every time you quietly help a child follow your standards (practices or rules), you make a small contribution to your "respect fund." And every time you allow a child to ignore your standards, your "respect fund" shrinks.
This is an absolute truth. You can pretend that one or two exceptions don't matter. But kids' minds don't work that way. People who study these things say that it might take 10 to 40 times doing something right to overcome the effect of one exception!
- So, if you have asked your child to request something with the words, "May I please?", or "Would you please?", it is up to you to help the child follow through. Do it and you gain respect. Ignore your standard, and you lose.
- The same goes for interruptions. Say you have asked your child to quietly hold your hand when you are talking with someone else. However, when he interrupts you, you answer anyway. Suddenly, your respect fund shrinks when it could have grown.
- Suppose 8:30 is bed time, but, you allow him to delay. Even if you carry him to bed kicking and screaming at 8:30, your respect fund grows. Why? Because you - and he - did as agreed.providing you have behaved respectfully yourself!
The bottom line is this: when you set a standard, help your child live up to it - every time. You will find that your standards are the anchors that will ultimately help your child's kite of character to fly. Have a great flight!