Your 6-year-old blows in from outside to get a drink and leaves the door wide open. You're instantly irritated. After all, you must have gone over this five thousand times.
"Jamie," you bark. "Go shut that door right now!"
"No way," he rudely responds. "You do it! "
Is this a likely scene? You bet it is. It happens all the time. It's enough to gag you.
But before we're too hard on Jamie, let's look at what you modeled in the first place? In other words, how respectful were you in the way you talked to Jamie? What is he learning from you about how to treat people who don't do what you want?
Right there is the real core of the issue. What most of us fail to see is that children are much more likely to learn what we DO than what we SAY.
Actually, when you stop and think about it, a lot of the ways we treat our children are pretty rude and disrespectful. We just don't see them that way. We're so used to our habits that it never occurs to us that we might be teaching disrespect. But we are.
On the other hand, respect is contagious. What we need is adults who intentionally "infect" our children early on.
Here are a few practical, positive steps you can take that will pass respect on to children without ever having to lecture about it.
- Use the word "please" in the middle of every action request you make of your child. Ex.; "Would you please close the door?"
- When you answer your child's question or request, stop what you're doing and look that child in the eyes while you respond.
- Give your child the dignity of preparation time before you tear him away from his play or other activity. Ex: "We need to leave in 5 minutes." (Then be sure you leave in 5 minutes.)
- When your child comes to interrupt your conversation with another adult, teach him to hold your hand quietly until there is a natural break in your conversation.
If you consistently treat both your children and the adults in your life with this kind of respect, Jamie's response in the opening story may never happen. But if it does, just calmly say, "Jamie, would you please show me how to say that respectfully?" You'll be surprised how quickly he corrects himself because you have given him a firm foundation of respect.